Ed's Stories
by PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist377
Summary: A collection of what Edward and Co. do when they aren't discovering the mysteries of alchemy and lying around Eastern Command. T for EXTREMELY mild adult themes.
1. Boxers or Briefs?

Ed's Stories:

Boxers or Briefs?

PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist377: My second story series ever! YAY! This is the first story from the series of Edward Elric's everyday life at Eastern Command. (Of course, when he's not busy discovering the secret of alchemy and pole-dancing…)

Edward awoke to the sun's blistering rays shining directly in his face. He moaned and put a hand to his face as he sat up. This was not one of his good days.

" OMG GOOD MORNING NIISAN!" Al was hovering over him, (in his human form, mind you.) his grinning face almost completely up against his face. He fell out of bed screaming in sheer terror and surprise.

**Ed popped vein **"AL! What are you doing up in my face so early in the morning?"

Al gasped and said,

"Niisan! It's noon!"

Ed stress mark " Dammit! I promised Winry I would help her with her shopping today, and I'm already late!" 

Ed hastily stood up and dashed into the bathroom. Ten seconds later Ed ran out, toothpaste foam emitting from his mouth.

" Come on Al! You promised you would come with me."

**Al tear marks** "…okay…Niisan…" Al said reluctantly, and followed his brother to the mall.

"What do you mean you weren't up yet! You lazy ass!"

Winry confronted Edward at the front of the mall. She was wielding two gleaming wrenches, one in each hand.

**Al and Ed sweat drop** "Now Winry, I'm here aren't I?"

Edward said smoothly, still sweating under the pressure.

"YOU'RE STILL LATE!" Winry screeched in fury, throwing the first wrench at Ed's skull, and he toppled over in pain.

"Niisan!" Al said, as Wirny threw the other wrench at Al. She walked over to the twitching corpses and she brightly said,

" I feel better now. Come on you guys, lets SHOP!" She said dragging the two helpless alchemists into the mall.

Inside, Al and Ed had icepacks on their heads and we're nervously standing next to Winry.

" Now Ed, let me tell you what kind of shopping we are doing today…LANGIRIE SHOPPING!" Winry said happily.

Edward and Al recoiled, blushing.

" Wait, d-do you mean u-un-un-" Al stuttered, but Edward fininshed his sentence screaming,

" YOU MEAN UNDERWEAR SHOPPING!" Everyone in the mall stared at the three-some, confused.

**Al, Ed & Winry stress mark** "Um…let's go now…" Winry said sweating, pushing Edward and Al into a store called, " Under Garments Galore."

Inside, Al and Ed stood hypnotized, surrounded by women's underwear, thongs and bras of all different styles. The two brother's faces we're scarlet.

"Well, what do you guys think?" Winry appeared out of nowhere, wearing a strapless black push-up bra with matching bikini style underwear. Al was shocked and Ed couldn't look away.

"Ah…ah-ah-ah-ah…ah…!" Al couldn't speak. He had never see a woman, more over Winry, in lingerie. Edward, on the other hand, thought Winry look, well, stunning but he was also muted.

" Well, you two seem like you like new underwear, so I'll buy it!"

She then pranced off to get changed.

**Ed blushing **" Al that was something I'll remember for a LONG time…" He said smiling, infatuated. Al just couldn't speak. Winry came back with two bags in hand.

" Now you two get a prize…You get to shop for underwear too!"

Al and Ed broke from their trance.

"Um, sure…" They said in sync, following Wirny to a different section of the store. They entered a place with boxers and briefs everywhere.

" Now then, Ed, boxers or briefs?" Winry asked.

Ed looked at her confused.

"Um, what're briefs?" Ed asked ignorantly.

" It's underwear Niisan." Al said.

"I get that, but WHAT are briefs?" Ed said, raising his voice.

"Idiot! THESE are briefs." Winry said, holding up a pair of briefs.

"No, those are UNDERWEAR!" Ed screamed, a vein popping on his forehead.

"Niisan, Underwear IS CALLED briefs!" Al screamed.

Ed gasped.

"NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!" Edward screamed, breaking out into tears and running out of the store.

Al sighed. "Not again…" he said quietly.

"Again?" Winry asked baffled.

" Yep, ever since he saw Mister Havoc, Hughes and Colonel Mustang at a Christmas party in their briefs drunk and well, they got a little close. He's been paranoid ever since."

Winry smirked.

" I wonder if Edward would consider a thong…" Winry said.

**Al stress mark** " Now I think I'M traumatized…" Al said, twitching.

Sorry if some don't like the Winry+Ed couple. MORE STORIES SOON!


	2. Deodorant Mishaps

Ed's Stories:

Deodorant Mishap

PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist377: Second story already here! Edward has lost his arm, but while looking for it he stumbles upon Colonel Mustang's stash of TAG, and has some questions.

" ROY! Hey bastard, where are you!" Ed wandered around Easter Command, furiously looking for the Colonel. He was missing his auto-mail arm. He had lost it while he was taking a nap in the bathroom. (He had dropped dead from exhaustion from running from Winry, and the Men's room was the only safe place.)

" All I remember was that bastard Mustang was in there with me. He MUST of stolen my arm! I need it for…um…STUFF!" Edward screamed, running through the hall.

"BANZAI!" He screamed, breaking down Roy's door. He wasn't there.

" Crap. Now I have to search myself." Edward shook his head and kneeled before a dresser.

"Let's start at the bottom." He said, grinning maniacally, opening the first drawer.

He gasped and said,

" What the dolphin?"

(SORRY, RANDOM!)

Ed was staring at rows and rows of TAG.

" TAG! What? I have to ask Roy about this…" Ed said, shocked for some reason.

"Then by all means Fullmetal, ask away." Roy had shown up directly behind him.

Ed seized one of the TAG cans, held it up to Roy's face and screamed,

" Why do you have SO MUCH TAG? What is with these new spray-on deodorants!"

Roy snatched the can from Ed and replied,

" It all started when I was avoiding my paperwork by watching television. I then saw a commercial for this, and I NEEDED IT. Besides, your brother Alphonse took all of my regular roll on deodorant and all of the butter in Eastern Command."

" Why would Al need your deodorant and BUTTER for?" Ed asked puzzled.

" LOOK AT ME! I'M MADE OF BUTTER! HAND OVER ALL THE DEODORANT!"

Al ran past the room, slipping and sliding, caked with butter, deodorant sticks in hand. Ed cautiously looked out of the room and saw everyone at Eastern Command staring and Al as he slid out of the hall, screaming,

" Nii-san! I need more BUTTER! Here, I found this the toilet!" Al threw Ed's arm and hit him in the skull.

Edward stepped back in and reattached his arm. He said,

" Ooookaaay then…anyway, what is this TAG supposed to do for YOU?"

Roy held the can up to his chest and said,

"I'm not sure. Here, you try it out first."

He sprayed a thick mist all around Ed.

" Hey-cough cough not so much!" Edward said coughing.

"ED! OMG WE LOVE YOU EDWARD!"

Ed and Roy stared at the doorway shocked. Winry, Rose, Riza Hawkeye, Lust, Sloth and Envy we're all screaming and pushed their way into the room.

" EDWARD! Sleep with me you sexy beast!" They all shouted, tackling the now helpless Ed.

Roy shook his head and walked out of the room, ignoring Edward as he screamed,

" ROY YOU BASTARD! If I weren't being pummeled by all of these women, _especially Winry _and enjoying this, I'd kill you for my pain! Ah, WINRY! Don't take off your br-"

Roy put the door back up and stepped into the butter-drenched hall.

" So this is how TAG commercials end. No wonder all of these men purchase it. I still don't see what they need the butter for…"

PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist: Yeah I know. Kinda strange, but you have been warned!


End file.
